How To Stop Being Indecisive

Indecision is painful.  Just ask my client Pam. Pam was feeling so stuck, so full of self-doubt, that she could barely get through the most basic duties of the day.  Her energy was zapped to say the least, and the feelings of guilt that went along with this indecisive state just added to her feelings of shame.

To add to her paralyzing self-doubt, Pam was a mother, and she felt that she was not only dis appointing herself, but also her family.  Her feelings of overwhelm were palpable when she described her situation.  It was becoming a hamster wheel of "I don't believe in myself, and therefore life is showing me more ways to doubt myself."

So you may be asking, how does the cycle of indecision begin?  Where does it start?  And more importantly, how do we move through it and beyond it?  These questions and more will be addressed here. 

Pain Points of Indecision

Pam came to me with distinct feelings that indecision can bring about.  This list is not only specific to her situation.  It turns out that indecision creates these feelings within all of us.  Here is the list and how these feelings may manifest:

• Feeling stuck:
• "I can't get out of this mindset."  "I can't get out of this situation." "This is a forever state of being." "I don't have a direction."
• Feeling overwhelmed:
• "I can barely get through the day." "The smallest tasks overwhelm me." "There are too many choices, too many tasks, too much that I am responsible for."
• Feeling foggy:
• "I can't get any clarity." "Everything just swirls in my mind." "I can't make sense of my purpose." "I can't seem to focus."

You can see how these sentiments could add fuel to the sense of indecision.  Chances are that you can relate to one or more of the statements at some point in your life, about some topic.  Awareness of the thought that is at the heart of the pain of indecision is the first step to feeling more empowered.  Step two is connecting with a reason as to WHY you want to become more decisive.

Motivation Points to Move Away From Indecision

Once Pam could point to a statement, a belief, that was generalizing her state of mind, she could look to the other end of that continuum and find a heart felt reason to move towards decisiveness.  Here is what she listed for her motivation:

• Be more present for/with her children:
• Overwhelm was keeping her in her head and putting a barrier between her kids and herself.  She ultimately wanted to be more present with her children and feel the quality of the moments together.
• Improve her relationship with her spouse:
• Feeling foggy so much of the time and lacking energy made Pam feel that interacting with her husband was too taxing.  She just did not have the energy to put toward the relationship and that was adding stress to their interactions.  Pam knew that she wanted a more thriving dynamic in her marriage.
• Feel more confident in herself and be able to operate from a sense of self-trust:
• So much self-doubt was eroding her sense of self.  Without that inner confidence, she knew that she would remain indecisive.  Pam found motivation in changing the way that she saw herself.

Indecision is a cycle of powerlessness and not prioritizing what is important to you.  Pam started to see that if she could shift her thinking, she could start to change her relationships with her family and with herself. 

What Make a Person Decisive?

Some people seem to be so decisive, from birth and never seem to waiver.  We notice those people and many of us admire that quality.  Others of us though, have had times, seasons and topics that have brought about indecision.  Let's take a closer look at what is at play with the skill and ability to be decisive.

A Sense of Clarity

Are you clear?  Do you have a clear vision for your life? Do you have a plan, a direction?  The more clarity that a person has in any area of their life, be it health, relationships, finances, career, purpose, spirituality, creativity and so forth, the more easily they can make decisions about that area of life.

A Connection with Core Values

Do you know your core values?  Do you live your life in alignment with your values? If you know your values, you can make decisions from that place and feel more confident and decisive.  Your core values may not change much through the years, but how you prioritize them will change depending on what else is going on and what your responsibilities are.

Ability to Prioritize

Knowing your core values will help you hone the ability to prioritize.  Also, being able to identify daily priorities helps condition this muscle and reinforces the skillset of making decisions, whether it be small or big decisions.  Learning the ability to prioritize starts with small things, like knowing which task on your chore list should be done first.  It is like an order of operations skill, how one things builds on another to create the movement and momentum necessary so as to not confuse or overwhelm.

Autonomy Over People Pleasing

When you follow your own direction, and know your core values, you are more likely to connect with your sense of autonomy and less likely to fall victim of people pleasing.  People pleasers, in my experience, have trouble with being decisive because they are more easily influenced and swayed by others opinions, words and actions.  Learning to be autonomous creates the inner confidence to follow your own heart and make quick decisions that support your true vision.

How To Get More Clarity To Be More Decisive

If you haven't already, now is the time to start to get to know yourself better.  And, don't judge yourself if you haven't taken this personal journey yet.  We are not taught this in school, nor are we encouraged to self-knowledge later in life. 

Here are some great questions to get the ball rolling for more clarity about who you are, what you stand for, and what you want out of your life experience:

• What do I believe in?  What am I willing to go the extra mile for in life?
• What do I do I stand for?  What do I stand against?
• What are my super powers?  How do I want to use them in life?
• What is in my "lane" and therefore my responsibility?  What is not in my "lane" and not my responsibility?
• How do you describe yourself?  What is your vision for life?
• What direction do you want to go in life? What will you focus on in order to get to where you want to go?

This may take a while to go through and that is fine.  Just start the process and you will find some clarity right away.  This is truly and ongoing process and you will get more clarity as you continue.

How To Know Your Values To Be More Decisive?

Our values are a very personal thing.  Knowing what you value and how your values are prioritized at any given point in time, is important.  There are many ways to get clear on your values.  You may be able to define them on your own, or you may decide to find a resource that will help you clarify your values.  Brene Brown has a values exercise that many of my clients have used and can be found at : https://brenebrown.com/resources/dare-to-lead-list-of-values/  Another great resource for considering your core values is one that Dr. Demartini has on his website: www.drdemartini.com

How Can I Prioritize Better To Be More Decisive?

Getting clarity in your life, and knowing your core values will help you learn to prioritize.  Prioritizing is a skill that can start with any given area in your life.  For example, in the area of health, you may want to feel healthier, but how do you go about it?  Where will you start? This is where prioritizing comes in.  In this case, you could ask yourself a series of questions to know what to do:

• What part of my health do I want to improve?
• Why do I want to improve it?
• How will I feel when I do?
• What is the first step I will take to start this improvement today?

These questions will set the stage for movement, and movement in the direction of a goal will produce an outcome.  Prioritization helps overcome several of the pain points that were discussed in the opening section which were feeling stuck, overwhelmed and foggy.

How Can I Be More Autonomous To Be More Decisive?

Being autonomous means that you are acting freely or independently, not being influenced by others.  In other words, autonomy is almost the opposite of being a people pleaser.  By becoming more clear, knowing your values, and being able to prioritize you will definitely be able to act more freely and independently when it comes to making decisions. Having a good sense of self can take time, but by doing the above self-discovery exercises, you will begin to tap into your own empowerment, which brings with it, more self-confidence and self-trust.  This will undoubtedly add to decisiveness.

How Can I Be More Decisive At Work?

When it comes to professional and career decisiveness, our environments may have a lot to do with how we make decisions.  Work can be an amazing place to feel into your power of decisiveness once you feel strong in your sense of self. Here are a few ways for you to start:

• Begin with the decisions that effect you solely:
• Deciding what task to do first
• Deciding when you take lunch (if that is an option)
• Deciding when to take your breaks (if that is an option)
• Pre-planning how you will show up for meetings (what frame of mind you will be in)
• Add other decisions as you become more confident in your abilities:
• Try being the first to volunteer for something
• Suggest a new committee that you could lead
• Tune inward for that still small voice to guide you when you get flustered or overwhelmed
• See yourself as a leader, even if you are a quiet leader:
• When you take a proactive stance rather than a reactive stance, you will feel more empowered
• Be ready for those times big decisions before they come up, practice your using your voice and standing up for what you believe in in small ways before the big things come up
• Journal or visualize yourself as a leader, whatever that may look like for you

Start to shift your mindset about your role at work and lean into your strengths to remind you of how important your input and ideas truly are.  Take a moment to look at your values before you make decisions when possible. You can be more decisive at work, and you feel better when you are.  Remember, small steps in the right direction are still noted as progress!

How Can I Be More Decisive In Relationships?

In relationships, being clear, knowing your values, prioritizing and becoming more autonomous are crucial to owning your decisiveness.  Relationships are a place where people pleasing can come into play frequently.  If this is a pattern that you have noticed in your own life, start by taking a step back and observing some of your interactions.  Once you become aware of your typical behavior, you will be able to spot it more easily and do one thing different.  One slight change can produce an entirely different result.  Here are some things to be on the lookout for when creating more decisiveness in relationships:

• Is control an issue?  If either person tries to take control, true decision making is not happening.  Try stating your preference when a situation comes up and allow the other person to state theirs.  Once both people feel heard, it is often easier to come to agreement.
• Is comparison an issue?  Are you or the other person using comparison to drive decisions?  Role model the ability to craft your decision from your internal cues rather than external information.
• Are you people pleasing? If so, start by taking a deep breath before you respond, and give yourself time to tune inward to know that your decision is being informed from your own clarity, values and priorities. That 2 second gap in conversation can be enough to get your bearings before you speak.

Relationships are great mirrors to how we are thinking, feeling and behaving!  They also provide an amazing opportunity for growth and development.  Practice the gifts of decisiveness with a friend that you trust and who is willing to support your efforts.  Then you can move on to more challenging situations!

How Can I Be More Decisive And Confident?

Being decisive and being confident seem like very related things.  Think about someone that you know whom you would call, "confident".  Would you also say that that person is decisive?  And do decisive people appear confident to you? In general, confidence and decisiveness go together like the bicep and tricep.  One is not separate of the other.  When you build one, the other grows too. 

As mentioned above, start with getting to know yourself better.  Know what makes you tick, what your strengths are and what you value above all else.  This combination of characteristics, talents and abilities are unique to you.  The more that you embrace this special array of qualities and perspectives, the more your confidence and decisiveness will grow.  Don't try to be anybody else or follow any other person's path.  The key is in being authentically you.

How Can I Be More Decisive And Assertive?

Just like confidence and decisiveness are related, so too are decisiveness and assertiveness.  But they are not one in the same. Some people may think that if you are quick to make a decision, you are aggressive.  Speed of decision has nothing to do with assertiveness per sey, but instead, is more like being plugged in to a power source which allows for that speed.  The power source, of course, is your own self-knowledge. 

We already discussed ways to be more decisive.  Assertiveness is described as being confident, bold or forceful. in this case, assertiveness may or may not come from within.  If you want true alignment, you could intentionally work to be confident in your decisiveness.  In this way, you would not appear to be externally motivated, but rather, internally inspired.

3 Steps To Be More Decisive

Here are three steps that you can implement as soon as today to help you on your path of decisiveness:

1. Breathe and tune inward.  A calm mind invites clear decisions.
2. Ask for more time if you need it.  Not all decisions need an immediate answer and discerning that difference will also build confidence. Just say, "let me get back to you on that" and then give yourself space to decide.
3. Once you have made a decision, follow through with it.  This will continue to build your confidence in your abilities to make decisions.  Allowing room for second guessing yourself does not build this muscle!

In Conclusion

Indecision is something that we can all relate to in one way or another.  Luckily, we can develop this skill and strengthen it daily with practice.  Things shifted for Pam once she became aware of what her own motivations and values were.  That became the foundation from which she started to make decisions, and that clarity helped her to believe in her decisions.  Being true to herself has changed her relationships and her energy in positive ways.